I LOVE YOU, BUT I WILL NEVER BE IN LOVE WITH YOU

Midsummer Sunset

I was a little dumbfounded when I got challenged to do that explaining-love-in-10-sentences-challenge. Why? Synchronicity. Because only a short while before, a good friend of mine asked me an odd question, “Have you ever been in love? At least once in your life?” And before I could reply, she added, “I mean, I always find it hard to imagine you being in love. You always look, well, reserved. An enigma. Got some surface charms, but everything else is locked in. people like that, I believe, is not capable of being in love.” I was a bit offended by that question, you know. I mean, I may be not like other humans, but I’m still human after all; at least partially. However, she’s a good friend, and I also knew she meant no harm; and I don’t punch a girl (no I’m not sexist, fuck you). So I replied, “I’m not sure I can give an answer to your question, unless I know what you think being in love is. I mean, do you think being in love is different from loving? If you do, in what way are they different from each other?”

 

Now, can any of you answer that question?

 

 

I have my own answer, of course. Some, if not most of you, will disagree with my answer, but that doesn’t really matter. After all, that’s my answer, not your answer. And I hope after having this answer she wouldn’t think of me as enigmatic ever again.

 

I don't look enigmatic at all, do I?

I don’t look enigmatic at all, do I?

 

Yes, I do believe that being in love and loving are two different things. Not by a long shot, as both involves a chemical reaction within our system that creates an emotion called love within our brain, but even your left leg is different from your right one and yet both involves the set of movement we call walking, right?

 

Right. And although the rule says Write ten four-word sentences about what love means to me”, I’m gonna talk about it that way instead of using inadequate ten 4-word sentences to describe what love is.

 

 

Before you start protesting, I think I’d better start making my point. If there is any.

 

 

First thing first. Falling in love is about a goal. A finish line. When you’re in love, you mentally create a finish line. To most of us, the finish line is to be with the one you’re in love with (we’ll talk about that specific goal soon). Everything you do, every word you say, is focused on the effort to reach that finish line sooner or later. Your life is simplified. The finish line. Nothing else matters.

Loving doesn’t make you want a finish line. If anything, loving makes you create a never-ending running track; or walking path, depending on how patient you are.

 

Second, being in love makes you want to be with the person you’re in love with, to have at least a part of this particular person. You want him/her to be a part of you, and you to be a part of him/her in return. You know you can only be happy when you two have each other.

Loving doesn’t make you want this other person. If anything, it makes you need this person. Not necessarily physically, though. Above all else, you need this person to be happy, because his/her happiness is one thing that really makes you happy. Sure, you still want this person to be a part of your life, but not to own him/her. You simply want to give a part of yourself without owning any part of the other person. In short, it’s about wanting the best for that person, and quite often it means letting that love go.

 

Third, being in love is a boosting drug that keeps you high, or a great wave that you rides when surfing. And of course you will never want to go down or end the surfing. And of course eventually anything that goes up will have to go down. Unless maybe you’re strong enough to escape the gravity; but not everyone is a rocket. All waves will diminish and end your surf. Most of you inevitably will go down or stop surfing. And that doesn’t feel good.

Loving is more about thoughts, I think, and not simply emotional high. Thinking about the other person, doing the best to make him/ her happy, caring for him/her just as much as yourself, or maybe even more, that’s what loving is about. Sure, you may find some emotional high in this, but it’s more like swimming in calm water than surfing a great rolling wave.

 

Fourth, being in love is easy (everybody who violently disagrees and wants to start sending their hate mails, remember that it’s edwinlives4ever@gmail.com). No I’m not kidding. It’s really easy. The dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin in your body will make sure it happens sooner or later. The person will become the greatest specimen ever walk the face of Earth to you. And unfortunately, such a feeling can wear off as easily as those chemicals do. Most often than not, long separation can cause this. You will find a substitute sooner or later, somebody else to fall in love with.

Loving is not that easy, but it also lasts much longer (and in some cases it’s infinite). Not even separation can wear off such a feeling that easily. If anything, being away from each other will overwhelm you with emotion, that the separation may even makes your love grow stronger and deeper.

 

Fifth, being in love is usually with the creation of our minds and imaginations. You actually fall with the imaginary romanticized individual in a romanticized relationship. Reality doesn’t always line up with your romanticized version of in-love reality. Consequently, sometimes you even create an imaginary version of yourself to be presented to the other person.

Loving a person means accepting him/her just the way he/she is. And in return you will show him/her the truest you without any reservation. Loving is honest.

 

Sixth – and I’m beginning to regret taking up this challenge, you can fall in love with the wrong person. This is because your imaginary version of the person you created will surely cover the real him/her. One day you may fall in love with a drug dealer while you think he/she is a medical expert.

There is no wrong person when it comes to loving. You know that you will never stop loving this other person while at the same time hating what he/she does. Just like the cloud loving the rain that makes it disappear, just like the wood loving the fire that turns him into ashes (Sapadi Djoko Damono, if you please, or if you don’t please).

 

Seventh – and now I’m truly regretting taking up the challenge, you can fall in love with the right person in the wrong time. This happen quite often, I think. Falling in love with a person who’s already married, falling in love with another person when you are already married, falling in love with another person while both of you are already married, because the right person doesn’t always come at the right time; because sometimes when you find the right person you may not yet be or no longer willing or able to give up a part of yourself. I know, I’ve been there.

Loving is timeless. Its nearly unconditional nature makes time no longer important. It’s unconditional enough to make you able to let the person go, even when you finally realize that the longer you are apart, the more you realize how difficult it is. The pain will even fuel your life. I know, I’ve been there.

 

Eighth, ninth, and tenth, falling in love makes you experience jealousy, hatred, and disappointment. You will feel jealousy when you see somebody else close to him/her, you hate others whom you think have a better chance to win him/her than you do, and you feel disappointment when you find yourself trapped in the friendzone; or worse, familyzoned.

Loving doesn’t care about all those. When the other person is happy being with somebody else, you are happy for him/her. When there is somebody you think better than you are for him/her, you’ll wish they end up together. And you don’t really care about being friendzoned, because being his/her friend to rely upon when he/she really needs you most fills you with an overwhelming happiness.

 

Ten already, right? I think I’ve made my point. Anybody who think he/she can shortened what I’ve said in ten 4-word sentences is welcome to try.

 

What’s next? Ah yes, sharing your favorite love quote. As a 9gager, I think it’s only appropriate to share this one:

 

Chemistry of love?

Chemistry of love?

 

Yes, and that’s my answer to my friend. I’ve been there, done all that. Every answer is based on my personal experience. So they’re true enough, at least to me.

 

 

 

And that’s why I will NEVER go there again. Not for anybody. I will still love, but I will do my best not to fall in love again. And yes, THAT‘s what I’m doing right now. Now I can love anybody without jealousy, without wanting to be loved in return, and be free from the pain caused by being in love.

 

 

 

 

And, no, I will never accept another too-personal challenge such as this one ever again. Doing this has awakened the demons hiding in my locked closet again, and I can hear them rattling their bones noisily right now. It’s dangerously close to threatening my personal equilibrium.

 

However, I would love to hear the opinions of the following persons:

1. Reny, because she’s taking a class to improve her English and this will be a good practice.

2. Jampang, because he has his own unique and remarkable view on this subject.

 

 

I think those two will be enough. 😉

 

Stamp

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~ by edwinlives4ever on April 16, 2015.

51 Responses to “I LOVE YOU, BUT I WILL NEVER BE IN LOVE WITH YOU”

  1. ~~~ Loving doesn’t make you want this other person. If anything, it makes you need this person. Not necessarily physically, though. Above all else, you need this person to be happy, because his/her happiness is one thing that really makes you happy. Sure, you still want this person to be a part of your life, but not to own him/her. You simply want to give a part of yourself without owning any part of the other person. In short, it’s about wanting the best for that person, and quite often it means letting that love go. ~~~~

    this is so deep :’)
    but i still don’t know whether i love him or not (- -,)a

  2. ah ya, thank you suhu, challenge accepted, hahahahaha.

  3. waduh…. kena tag di sini 😀

  4. You’re a wise bird…

  5. Hahaha

  6. ooo. According to your loooong statement there, so that I was once fallin’ in love. Or not, I refuse to called it ‘love’, it was just a drug that drag me to a very bad addiction.

    Terus itu kenapa mesti ada fotonya sih? :v

  7. First of all, I want to say you are really not look like and enigmatic instead, you look Handsome and you write awesome seriously, I’m true to my words!!
    And secondly,You have said it all… Your points from first to eighth/tenth have given me all my answers and I can truly relate to it as well to many of your words….This line..”And that’s why I will NEVER go there again. Not for anybody. I will still love, but I will do my best not to fall in love again. And yes, THAT‘s what I’m doing right now. Now I can love anybody without jealousy, without wanting to be loved in return, and be free from the pain caused by being in love.” Speak for me as well!!
    Don’t know what else to say, however, just loved the way you put this challenge and the way you described LOVE!!!
    Thank you so much dear 🙂 ❤

  8. Great post… I agree with your statements when you say that being in love makes you want to be with the person you’re in love with, to have at least a part of this particular person… Also the ifth is so true….
    I like the pic, by the way… Best to you! Aquileana ⭐

  9. I enjoyed your response to this subjective question, I think one does not choose to fall in love, there are many kinds of love and of course passionate love is the most dangerous :-D. thank you, enjoyed very much.

  10. ngeliat fotonya
    cuma mau bilang
    cieee..ciee

    anak anak sehat?

  11. I really like this post, despite its long and (quite) small letters for my eyes, I really enjoy it. Well, it might because I shared the same opinion as you do. From your point of view about ‘being in love’ and ‘loving’ then I think I fell once. And yeah, don’t wanna go there anymore. To make it in shorter sentence (imo), the first one is a passive condition, while the latter way more active. 😀 But despite all the turbulence while being in love, I think I can cherish every moments in it though, at least for now. Thank God for that. 😀

    And you should write more something like this, imo, this suit you better. 😉

    • More like this? Maybe. As s long as not too often. 😉

      • And I wasn’t saying your other writings don’t suit you. About your good friend up there, how come she thought you as a reserved one? I tried to visualized you reading this post to her (unless she already commenting this post as well). 😀

        • I don’t know, but maybe she sees something others don’t see.

          She has read it, but didn’t comment here. She called instead.

          That’s because she has forgotten Wp password. XD XD XD

  12. Wow! This is truly amazing! I hope the demons got quiet again, although I see why they started rattling…

  13. […] saya pun akan menulis lagi tentang cinta untuk menjawab tantangan dari Mas Edwin beberapa waktu yang lalu. Saya di-tag oleh Mas Edwin untuk menjelaskan apa itu cinta menurut […]

  14. done!

    https://jampang.wordpress.com/2015/05/04/bicara-tentang-cinta/

  15. Reblogged this on Soul mate's – so near, yet so far and commented:
    This article is definitely a must read.. A post on ‘love in ten sentences’ (in a different way). From one of my great friend and well-wisher, Edwin!
    I hope you all will like it too 🙂

  16. This is an accurate description of the difference between being in love and loving! Nice! And I also like “Loving is honest” 🙂

  17. Wow you said it all…Very well explained and very well expressed 🙂

  18. This was an engrossing read and you really have uncovered a few layers that are generally left alone.

  19. […] The Crow Reborn Loving someone, but not being in love with that person? Is it possible… I guess it is… […]

  20. Amazingly Answered.
    I agree with everything you wrote here because no matter how I would have hated to hear this ; It’s the truth.

  21. Reblogged this on PaulOkonji Blog and commented:
    I decided to reblog this for my readers to help those on the border line make up their mind ….or ..may be define what loving, being in love, being love means, after reading this, meaning will jump at you. Loving or being love can make one sometimes be foolish..? Yes foolish with a joyful and fulfilling feelings.
    Wonderful an a creative write up that crosses all borders of age.
    Make a point of reading the whole of this article because its content makes a lot of senses.

  22. I wish this was written and published when I was a teenager. It would have saved me lot of trouble. Agree with all of them. It was nice =)
    And from what I’ve seen reserved people are the one of those who loves deeply. I don’t know why but they do.
    Have a lovely day =). Take care!

  23. Well…
    Maybe this is the reason why I postpone not answering one -even all- of your questions on this challenge https://edwinlives4ever.com/2015/01/13/challenged-by-liebster-award/ :p
    You know who you are and what to do already. :p
    So what am I doing on here …
    #ngemilulatkayu

  24. Wow this is so wonderfully said!! Enjoyed it 🙂

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