CONFESSION OF AN EMPATH

Midsummer Sunset

Princess, by the time you receive these words, you will know that I have left you. Temporarily, I hope, and I surely hope we’ll meet again, but if it’s for good, well, at least the words will make you understand.

It’s not an easy thing to do, Princess, to put my thoughts into words. Even with ordinary thoughts, words tend to diminish the true meaning. Words can never be enough to deliver the message of the ideas the way they are when still in your head. And I am talking about the most important thoughts right now, the thoughts closest to your deepest compartment of your heart. That will have to do, though, as there is no other way I can think of.

You remember our time together, Princess? The time you shared with me some of your joys, and some of your tears? I have reasons to believe that the time did us some good, as well as some horrifying damage. The time we shared somehow was meant to strengthen you, but the cost was also high. It corrupted my psyche in such a way that I have changed forever, and can no longer return to what I was.

All my life I have only very few regrets, Princess. I am not sorry for what I have become, but I really am sorry that I have forced you to face your demons sooner than you thought you would. Yes, I have inadvertently forced you to be ready for them.

So I’ve offered my hell to contain your demons. What made me do that? I’m glad you never asked me that question before, Princess. In the early part of our time I would never be able to answer that question. Is it my pride? Is it gratitude? Is it an attempt to regain my humanity that I thought I’ve lost forever? Is it just for the hell of it? And in some of the most confused times, I even came to wonder if it’s love. Yes, I know it’s stupid, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.

My Hell

Whatever it was, Princess, I found out a bit too late that I had to pay dearly for what I did to you, for what I did with you, for what I’ve given you, and for what I’ve taken from you. I never even suspected that the cost would be so murderously high, and I was not ready for that; and neither did you, I am sure.

I was so stupid to offer myself to share your pain without even making sure that I would be able to do that. That was a grave mistake, Princess, and I was overwhelmed by the flow of pains and sufferings. If you did not share some of your joys as well, I would have been completely destroyed. However, what pained me most is to face the possibility that I may have damaged you as well. And all because I offered to take an overwhelming task without understanding what I am first.

What am I, Princess? When I made you scared that night, when I lost control and opened the gate of my hell and release all my demons for you to see, the me that people know was no more. That me was shattered and destroyed forever, and I had no choice but to cut myself off all connections shared by that shattered old me. I also freaked you out and believe me when I say that it was the most terrible feeling I’ve ever experience all my life.

That was when I left you the first time, Princess. That was when I left everything behind and embarked on a perilous journey into the wilderness, to find me a way to fight the demons that overcame my whole being; my own demons, and yours.

You know something? Nothing purifies one’s soul like the wilderness, Princess. In the darkness alone among the trees, beside the dim campfire when I sat facing the valley below, I found my answer. I found who I really am, what I really am. More than that, I found the answers to my lifelong questions.

Yes, Princess, I finally understand. I had been sitting in silence, recollecting all the facts and found out the answer. Now I know why I always feel most at peace when I am in a natural environment, why I always seem to know intuitively there is more to a person than what meets the eye, why I can easily read other people, why I often felt and experienced feelings of being drained, moody, depressed, angry for no apparent reason, unsure about life, why even complete strangers find it easy to talk to me about their most personal things, why at times I was too sensitive to violence and sadness and affected by them, why people loved me and feared me at the same time, why I could be easily overwhelmed by other people’s emotions, why I can absorb other people’s pains and sufferings, why I’m always feeling uncomfortable among the crowd, why I understand synchronicity easily while others see it as a pure coincidence, why I always seek for an answer, why others are easily drawn to me and share their tears and joys, and even why I had to go through so many suicidal stages in my life.

No you didn’t cause it. It’s always been within me all my life. You triggered it, Princess, and so did I. Remember that one time, when I offered my hell for your demons, to be your personal empath? I meant it. I did try to be your empath. That’s close enough to the truth, I should say. However, in this case being close enough to the truth means it’s still as wrong as it can be. And I was wrong, Princess. I was not trying to be your empath.

I am an empath, Princess. An untrained, unknowing, and naive one, but an empath just the same. That’s what I truly am. You were probably right after all when you said to me that I was the only person who understand what you truly are. I finally realized how easy that was, how effortless. That’s because I am an empath.

Not all the distresses I felt were necessarily mine. Most of them are overwhelming fears, pains, sadness, and sufferings of others that I unknowingly absorbed. And because I didn’t know what I am, I mistakenly took them all as my own feelings. I literally had no idea that other peoples emotions are felt, perceived as my own and reflected outwardly. I was confused as to how one moment all was well, and then the next moment I felt so depressed. Like that night, Princess.

I have learned a little bit about how to deal with what I am, Princess. I am also now aware of the dangerous consequences I may face if I make the same mistake I did with you. When you were in pain, it was hard for me to dissociate from it, and I took your pain as my own. Many times when we were together I was actually useless to you because your pain paralyzed me as much as it did you.

I also learned that I love you, Princess. Not brotherly love between siblings, not platonic love between friends, not even passionate love between lovers. It’s just love, and that’s the long and short of it. Unconditional as in its original meaning, as it’s supposed to be.

And that is the answer to your final question last night, Princess. That is why I took the dangerous path to return to you, to absorb all your pains, sadness, and guilt one last time, knowing that it could very well destroy myself completely. That is why I kept on going last night, despite those many pains I had to endure for you. That is why, much as I hate feeling those pains, much as I hate to see your fear for me, I urged you to keep on going; to send all your remaining demons into me. I literally shed blood tears last night, but I was simply paying the price.

Tears of blood

And I paid it gladly.

No, Princess, you were wrong. You did not disgust me and neither did you disappoint me. Never. I suppose now you know why I am incapable of such a feeling toward you. Please understand your own feelings, and never confuse one feeling for another. Never trade the love, strength, and serenity given to you with darkness, no matter how charming that darkness is. Not ever again, or all that I have sacrificed will be for nothing.

And now you know why I must leave you again, Princess. Why I have to let you fight your battle alone without me. And why I have to fight my own battle alone without you.

One thing I can promise you, Princess, and it is that you are not alone. Never. Your big guy may no longer be there physically for you, but you will have the strength I’ve given you; the strength of what is left from my own soul. When you feel helplessly alone, remember the sunset I shared with you. That sunset is for you and only for you. When you want to show me that you finally, really understand all this, you will find a way to show me that sunset.

 

I will go now, Princess. I don’t want to, but I have to. I have to do this alone.

 

I hope I will see you again.

 

 Suryaputra

 

Farewell, Princess. Keep that sunset close to your heart. Give the son of the dawn the chance I’ve never had.

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~ by edwinlives4ever on April 16, 2014.

3 Responses to “CONFESSION OF AN EMPATH”

  1. hey… what is it?

  2. Mas edwin mau pergi?

  3. oh my ;(
    jadi ingat salah satu cerpen di kumpulan cerpen kompas..sang ayah meninggalkan anaknya di penampungan..setting di aceh, setelah tsunami

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